I gave my 3 1/2 year old daughter a couple of swats today and have been feeling sick to my stomach since. I also have a 2 year old son. It seems that I have come to expect that everytime he gets hurt my daughter is somehow responsible. I have been reading "Siblings without Rivalry" and other books but none seem to address children who are so young and close in age. My 2-year-old's screams seem to be a trigger for me. Please help!
ANSWER:
I never met an honest parent who didn't admit to at least one swat across the butt! So relax. If it happens again hug her and say you are very, very sorry.
What you describe...being torn between the needs of and your responsibility for TWO children....was the most difficult part of parenting for me. I felt torn apart when one (mine were two years apart) hurt the other or both needed me at the same time.
Although your children are small, "Siblings Without Rivalry" (Faber and Mazlish) teaches us principles about siblings that are important. Especially that we should not assume who is wrong. The baby may have "started it" by pulling your daughter's hair and then she retaliated. So don't assume she is always at fault.
My advice: Separate them as much as possible. Spend time with each alone. Use a timer (the older one will understand this so tell her you have to put the baby down for a nap but then you will read to her for twenty whole minutes.) When you hear the baby scream comfort him, never mind why. If you see your daughter hurting the baby isolate her in her room EVERY time she does it. ("When we hurt people we cannot be with people.") You can also try a chart even though your daughter is young for this...every day your daughter plays nice without hurting the baby she gets a gold star and after a week she gets a small reward. Be sure the younger one is not messing up your daughter's games, if you see that is happening give your daughter a place to play that the baby cannot enter.
ANSWER:
I never met an honest parent who didn't admit to at least one swat across the butt! So relax. If it happens again hug her and say you are very, very sorry.
What you describe...being torn between the needs of and your responsibility for TWO children....was the most difficult part of parenting for me. I felt torn apart when one (mine were two years apart) hurt the other or both needed me at the same time.
Although your children are small, "Siblings Without Rivalry" (Faber and Mazlish) teaches us principles about siblings that are important. Especially that we should not assume who is wrong. The baby may have "started it" by pulling your daughter's hair and then she retaliated. So don't assume she is always at fault.
My advice: Separate them as much as possible. Spend time with each alone. Use a timer (the older one will understand this so tell her you have to put the baby down for a nap but then you will read to her for twenty whole minutes.) When you hear the baby scream comfort him, never mind why. If you see your daughter hurting the baby isolate her in her room EVERY time she does it. ("When we hurt people we cannot be with people.") You can also try a chart even though your daughter is young for this...every day your daughter plays nice without hurting the baby she gets a gold star and after a week she gets a small reward. Be sure the younger one is not messing up your daughter's games, if you see that is happening give your daughter a place to play that the baby cannot enter.
This answer is NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.
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