QUESTION:
Help! I got into a terrible row with my son-in-law while staying at his home. I stepped in when I saw him discipline my grandson, age 4 1/2, with a wooden spoon. I interferred because I could not bear to witness it. My son-in-law absolutely went off on me. He yelled and told me not to interfere with his parenting authority. I was devastated. How can I convey to him how very wrong I believe spanking to be? How can I rebuild a relationship with this man?

ANSWER:
This is a very tough question to answer because it deals with two conflicting values, both important to me. One value is to protect a child from harm, even when the harm comes from a parent. The other value has to do with the role of a grandmother who, ideally, does all she can to support the parents of her grandchild. This means you don't interfere with their parenting.

You probably know from my website that I oppose ALL spanking because it is a lousy way to discipline. And it gives a message that it's OK for big people to hit little people. On the spectrum between a little swat on the behind when the child was about to run into the street and hitting the child over the head with a hammer this incident is somewhere in the middle. In the latter example you call 911 or Child Protective Services even if it is the father doing it. In the former you look the other way. Hitting hard with a wooden spoon would leave marks so this could be considered physical abuse but context is important. Did the father hit his son repeatedly on bare skin or once on the behind through clothes? Does the father fit the profile of an abusive parent? Is the father always angry? Does he drink? Did he just lose his job? I'm not making excuse for him I'm just telling you how important context is.

How would I have handled it as a grandmother? Unless I felt the father was out of control and his behavior might escalate I would walk out of the room to control myself. Later when the child was not there I would speak my mind: spanking doesn't work and refer him to my website.

What to do now? Ask for a "meeting" with your daughter and the father so everybody involved with the child is there. (The child should not be around.) Apologize. Say you were out of line and should not have interfered with his parenting. But quietly say you don't believe in spanking as it doesn't work very well and refer him to my website. If he doesn't agree with my viewpoint he can write to me. Then tell him how much you love him as he is the father of your beloved grandson and you hope both of you can put this incident behind you.

This answer is  NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.

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