TODDLERS SHARE? NO WAY!

TODDLERS SHARE? NO WAY!

Q: Can a 14 month old understand to share? Can a 14 month old realize that the dogs do not like to have their hair pulled?

My son and his friend have trouble resisting grabbing toys from each other. My solution would be to try to have enough trains or toys to let everyone have something but I guess what someone has is always more interesting than what you have--even at a little over a year. How do you structure a play date at this age? Is it too early to teach manners? We try to praise him when he shares...but I just am not sure this concept is really understandable.

Our dog is deaf and the baby grabs her fur and pulls not stopping when she squeals. We separate them and sternly say no to the baby. We take his hand and run it over her fur and say GENTLE.He says "gentle" and smiles and then 3 minutes later is pulling her fur again. Sometimes when she squeals he imitates her. We think he might think she is just a toy and if you pull it the right way it makes a sound. In all other ways he is so sweet that this cruelty breaks my heart. Lately I have been putting the dog on the other side of the baby gate but that punishes her...she sits right at the gate and looks miserable or scratches to get in back to us and the baby.

A: 
To answer your questions: No! No!

!4-month-olds may be "...so sweet that this cruelty breaks my heart" but at
other (?most) times they are egocentric monsters who have the motor
ability and the coordination to pull a dog's hair or yank toys from another kid but do
not have the cognitive capacity to know what acceptable behavior is.


That is why you always need a "designated toddler watcher" during a
play date. A battle can escalate in a nanosecond if one kid wants a
toy the other one has. If it becomes an ongoing battle try distraction
(a snack or drink) or separate the kids. Play dates should be short at
this age anyway, an hour max. You always should try to teach manners:
"Don't grab toys." "Say thank you." but don't expect much learning at this age.
Parents have to repeat "Don't grab Evan's toy!" many times before the kid
stops. Repetition is what all parents of all toddlers do all day long. Praise
helps a bit as does role-modeling the good behavior (like how to be gentle
with dogs). But what helps the most is time. It eventually civilizes most toddlers.


My husband was a veterinarian who  used to preach that no child under 5
should have a pet because it can be too hard on the pet. OR the dog or cat bites
the kid. Your anguish is that you love your old deaf dog and you love your sweet
baby. What to do? Probably, maybe for a while, temporarily cruel Baby and deaf Dog
will have to be separated. Reading your email I felt sorry for the old dog who
is being displaced. But to prevent her from getting hurt separation is the only
solution. It will be a temporary thing. Because even 14-month-olds can eventually
be taught that pulling hair is bad behavior.

But you also have to teach your child how to co-exist with other living creatures.
The best way to teach toddlers that a behavior is bad is to remove
the child from the scene where the action is. The next time Baby
pulls the dog's hair take HIM away into his crib saying No! No
pulling! Don't yell but use a firm voice. And don't say please, this
ain't a request! He will scream so after a minute or two take him out.
But if you remove him from the fun he will eventually have an "aha!"
moment and realize he has to stop pulling or he misses out on a
lot. Your child is pretty young and it may be best to postpone this kind
of action for a couple of months. But I would try it once or twice and
if he doesn't get hysterical and you can stand the noise go for it. Meanwhile
every time he pulls dog's hair swoop him up off the floor and away from the dog
saying No pulling!

Good luck!

This answer is  NOT intended as a substitute for professional
medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert
if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's
well being.

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