AIR TRAVEL WITH TODDLERS

QUESTION: Air travel hell: No middle seat, no leg room, no food and I am taking along a toddler. We next have to cross the country to see an ailing grandpa but how do you manage a toddler that just wants to run? Our last flight was only 45 minutes. Josh loved the airport he could run and watch planes and trucks from the window. But when we had to board getting on the plane just at nap time caused a meltdown. He screamed and tried to wiggle out of my arms. A fellow passenger tried to be helpful and said I might try Benadryl...I smiled and pressed the edit button in my head so as not to say something mouthy like "I thought about taking some but then I thought I would be too tired to take care of the baby." Medication for a short flight seems ridiculous. So how do you travel with a toddler?

PS Once we sat down and I pulled out a toy there wasn't another peep out of him.

MY ANSWER:
First of all don't tell ANYBODY but when my children were babies-screaming-on-airplanes I actually dipped my finger in scotch (drinks were free then)and let them suck on my finger. Had to do this once with each kid figuring that if the about-to-be-circumcised-baby is given a wine-enhanced pacifier it was safe. (My two are grown, healthy, not alcoholics, and to my knowledge, no longer kick or scream on airplanes.) I confess this bit of horrible parenting which I DO NOT ADVOCATE to point out how tough it can be to own the screaming, fussing, kicking monster who, just before boarding was your little angel. You are trying to comfort your child, concerned about dirty looks from fellow travelers, and feel like screaming yourself. A parenting nightmare!

MY ADVICE:

• Safety first. Running around airports can be dangerous. If you have a toddler who laughs at you and takes off as fast as a plane, best to use a harness until the child is reliably able to stand by your side while you are fumbling for boarding passes and photo ID.
• Book early to get seats up front (make it first class if you can afford it) as walking through the aisle is NOT a child-friendly experience. They hate being held by the hand in this confined space with luggage and people's legs narrowing their vision. They also hate being clutched in your arms instead of being free to run.
  
• Take food and with you (crackers, animal crackers, or cereal in plastic bags). Take empty bottles or sippy cups to fill with water or milk after you get through security. Hunger is a big reason for toddler meltdown.
• Have a cache of special airplane toys and books. These emergency toys must be exciting enough to distract the child from mayhem. I usually had something developmentally ahead of my child because I would be right there to help. Important: don't use these special things any other place or they lose effectiveness. Also take the FAVORITES (book, pillow, stuffed creature).
  
• Try to plan travel around your child's body rhythms. Ideally you board the plane when the kid is interested in playing with the special airplane toys, after 30 minutes he gets hungry and you have food he likes, and then he naps until just before landing. Easier said than done especially today with fewer flights and many airport delays.
• Be flexible/lenient/indulgent. Even though you never give your child soda pop getting a non-caffeinated beverage from the flight attendant can be a distracting fun thing. But try to avoid too much junk food.
• Be prepared! A 45-minute flight could turn into hours on the tarmac or at an airport not on your itinerary. I spent 22 hours at O'Hare recently instead of my 60 minute layover. Have extra toys, food, and clothes.
• Turn travel time into special parent-child time. Cuddle, sing little songs, tell new stories you make up about when you when you took your first airplane ride. (Exaggeration and even outright lies are OK.)
• Whisper. I once saw a savvy mom keep a three-year-old entranced for the whole flight by whispering in her ear. I don't know what she was saying by I saw the child's face light up. A whisper is intense, personal attention. Remember this hint for emergency situations like a flight delay.
• Don't worry about the other passengers. Most understand toddlers. Some will offer to hold or play with the kid...novelty can pay off. Ignore those who glare at you.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help. 99% of people are nice. Flight attendants are as responsive as they can be.
  
• Hope for the best. I've had my share of Bad Air Days. But the reality is that most of the time the planes are on time, your luggage arrives with you, and your kid will do just fine.
  

This answer is  NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.

Tell your friends they too can get a personal answer to their parenting question from Dr. Heins and can subscribe to her free parenting newsletter by going to http://www.ParentKidsRight.com.

Books vs computers: the Zillion Dollar Question

Q:

In this new computer age what are your recommendations for when to introduce a computer and how much computer time to allow. I have studied for boards and am  impressed by how many more questions I can do in a night when I am using the computer version than the paper version of review questions. I know computers can teach but I am also concerned about avoiding nurturing a game addict. Preschool software to teach shapes and letters and numbers seems very tempting. Your thoughts?

• A computer is indispensable for adults and most school children.
  
• Computers can both save time and waste time.
• Toddlers sitting on your lap will be interested in what you are doing, in the screen, and in the keyboard (they would be interested if you were sorting beans or weaving a basket) and they quickly become comfortable with this tool and know people look at the screen and move fingers on the keys .
  
• Children born in the computer age are digital natives (unlike me for whom "computer" is a second language) and being comfortable with a computer is an important pre-skill to learning how to use it.
  

There is no evidence that early exposure to computer software designed for preschoolers helps them learn to read or write. Rather it is being on the parents lap and interacting with Mommy or Daddy. You don't need special software to show the young child that the screen changes when you use the mouse or keyboard. Save your money.

One study showed that a small sample of parents who were asked about computer usage in their preschool children-reported that about 18% used a computer on a given day. Children age 2 1/2 were "lap users" but by 3 1/2 parents reported autonomous use of computer and mouse. There is a "digital divide" with low income and ethnic minorities reporting less computer ownership and usage.

I believe in the wonderful, time honored triangle that we know helps children acquire literacy skills: parent's lap, book, and young child. I don't want this to be supplanted by the computer. I also worry about the development of attention in the young child. There are data that suggest exposure to screens (TV, computers) with rapidly changing pictures and accompanying noise can interfere with pathways that enable us to attend. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends NO screen time before age two I like to stretch this out to almost three or at least minimize screen time before age three.

To answer the book vs computer question, I advocate doing both: let your young child see what you are doing with the computer AND give the child plenty of "triangle" time with you and the book. I know how busy parents are today so please don't let these words make you feel guilty if you can't follow my suggestion. Every normal child will learn to read. Maybe a bit earlier if you have books in the house and the child sees you read. Maybe earlier if you spend time reading to your child.

Try to spend at least 15 minutes a day reading to your child. Don't stop when the child can read. Continue, alternating the child reading to you and vice versa. And be sure your child sees you read. The most important reason for doing this is that it's enjoyable! For both of you.

This answer is  NOT intended as a substitute for professional
medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert
if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's
well being.

Tell your friends they too can get a personal answer to their
parenting question from Dr. Heins and can subscribe to her free parenting newsletter by going to http://www.ParentKidsRight.com.

TODDLERS SHARE? NO WAY!

TODDLERS SHARE? NO WAY!

Q: Can a 14 month old understand to share? Can a 14 month old realize that the dogs do not like to have their hair pulled?

My son and his friend have trouble resisting grabbing toys from each other. My solution would be to try to have enough trains or toys to let everyone have something but I guess what someone has is always more interesting than what you have--even at a little over a year. How do you structure a play date at this age? Is it too early to teach manners? We try to praise him when he shares...but I just am not sure this concept is really understandable.

Our dog is deaf and the baby grabs her fur and pulls not stopping when she squeals. We separate them and sternly say no to the baby. We take his hand and run it over her fur and say GENTLE.He says "gentle" and smiles and then 3 minutes later is pulling her fur again. Sometimes when she squeals he imitates her. We think he might think she is just a toy and if you pull it the right way it makes a sound. In all other ways he is so sweet that this cruelty breaks my heart. Lately I have been putting the dog on the other side of the baby gate but that punishes her...she sits right at the gate and looks miserable or scratches to get in back to us and the baby.

A: 
To answer your questions: No! No!

!4-month-olds may be "...so sweet that this cruelty breaks my heart" but at
other (?most) times they are egocentric monsters who have the motor
ability and the coordination to pull a dog's hair or yank toys from another kid but do
not have the cognitive capacity to know what acceptable behavior is.


That is why you always need a "designated toddler watcher" during a
play date. A battle can escalate in a nanosecond if one kid wants a
toy the other one has. If it becomes an ongoing battle try distraction
(a snack or drink) or separate the kids. Play dates should be short at
this age anyway, an hour max. You always should try to teach manners:
"Don't grab toys." "Say thank you." but don't expect much learning at this age.
Parents have to repeat "Don't grab Evan's toy!" many times before the kid
stops. Repetition is what all parents of all toddlers do all day long. Praise
helps a bit as does role-modeling the good behavior (like how to be gentle
with dogs). But what helps the most is time. It eventually civilizes most toddlers.


My husband was a veterinarian who  used to preach that no child under 5
should have a pet because it can be too hard on the pet. OR the dog or cat bites
the kid. Your anguish is that you love your old deaf dog and you love your sweet
baby. What to do? Probably, maybe for a while, temporarily cruel Baby and deaf Dog
will have to be separated. Reading your email I felt sorry for the old dog who
is being displaced. But to prevent her from getting hurt separation is the only
solution. It will be a temporary thing. Because even 14-month-olds can eventually
be taught that pulling hair is bad behavior.

But you also have to teach your child how to co-exist with other living creatures.
The best way to teach toddlers that a behavior is bad is to remove
the child from the scene where the action is. The next time Baby
pulls the dog's hair take HIM away into his crib saying No! No
pulling! Don't yell but use a firm voice. And don't say please, this
ain't a request! He will scream so after a minute or two take him out.
But if you remove him from the fun he will eventually have an "aha!"
moment and realize he has to stop pulling or he misses out on a
lot. Your child is pretty young and it may be best to postpone this kind
of action for a couple of months. But I would try it once or twice and
if he doesn't get hysterical and you can stand the noise go for it. Meanwhile
every time he pulls dog's hair swoop him up off the floor and away from the dog
saying No pulling!

Good luck!

This answer is  NOT intended as a substitute for professional
medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert
if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's
well being.

Tell your friends they too can get a personal answer to their
parenting question from Dr. Heins and can subscribe to her free parenting newsletter by going to http://www.ParentKidsRight.com.

WHISPER POWER

ParenTip: WHISPER POWER

There is power in whispering. Power much stronger than you wield by yelling which is so easily tuned out.

What can whispering accomplish?

• You can get a toddler to stop crying by the simple act of whispering.

• A child can be kept quiet and happy on a long plane flight if you sit close and whisper in the child's ear while you play little games.

• If a child is acting up in a public place sometimes just taking the child on your lap and whispering can be calming.

• When a child seems embarrassed and is reluctant to talk or answer a question suggest a whisper.

• When siblings are getting noisy in their play suggest they whisper to each other for awhile.

• When you are correcting a child in public kneel down to his or her level and whisper, “We don’t use that word in our family.”

While you’re thinking about whisper power listen to your home. Is everybody talking loud because there is so much background noise? If so turn down the volume.

Love itself is quiet, not raucous. We don’t shout sweet nothings to a loved one do we? We whisper our words of love.

In dealing with children, especially young children or children who are upset, soft is better than loud and slow is better than fast.

Parents out there : If you have other ways to calm your child and/or yourself tell us about them.

Marilyn Heins, MD

Do you have a parenting question? Go to www.ParentKidsRight.com , click on "info" and you reach me to get a FREE answer to your parenting questions. I am a pediatrician who devotes all her time to parenting education and looks forward to hearing from you.
.

PARENTAL TIME-OUTS

Children aren't the only ones who need a time-out once in a while. Parents need them too.

One of the dumb parenting mistakes I made was losing my cool. Especially when I was tired, stressed, or torn between what I should do when both kids needed me at the same time. I realized that before I could solve this problems I had to get in touch with my own feelings. Many years later I devised a slogan for new parents, "BEFORE YOU EXPLODE OR DROP, STOP!" In order for you to use this advice wisely you must figure out how you feel JUST BEFORE you start screaming at your kids.

Don't think you're the only parent in the world who gets angry at your kids. We all do. But we learn to stay in control, not only to spare our children the anguish of having an angry parent who yells at them but also because screaming and acting angry simply doesn't work.

The trick to staying in control is to recognize when your normal emotional feelings are about to boil over. That's the time for your Parental Time-out. Simple to do. Just leave the room after ensuring that your kids are safe. Put a baby in the crib or playpen, tell an older child you need a Parental Time-out and JUST LEAVE.

Yes, the kids may cry but that's a whole lot better than seeing you explode. Kids are terrified by out-of-control parents.

Take a few deep breaths, walk around the room­ whatever works for you. When you've calmed down, resume your parenting.

Marilyn Heins, MD
This answer is NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.

Do you have a parenting question? Go to www.ParentKidsRight.com , click on "info" and you reach me to get a FREE answer to your parenting questions. I am a pediatrician who devotes all her time to parenting education and looks forward to hearing from yo

SELECTIVE MUTISM

A mother just wrote me to ask, "My five-year-old boy is poor in talking and expressing his ideas. Academically he is very good (writing, memory, recognizing pictures) and he gets good ("A") grades in school. But he is talking little. He asks questions only about his favorite things and he sometimes forms sentences incorrectly. When he plays with others, he can't answer them in arguments. He just cries and shouts "I won't play with you!" The other children take advantage of him and make him cry. Is this normal and will he be alright in the future? Or what can we do to help him speak fluently and express himself?"

My answer: Obviously it's impossible to make a diagnosis over the internet without observing the child. But your letter describes a bright child who CAN talk but doesn't, especially in certain situations. You don't imply he is overly shy, he apparently plays with others and goes to school. He might have what is called selective mutism which is a neurological problem that can respond to behavioral and speech therapy. Google "selective mutism" and see if the descriptions fit your boy. Also tell his doctor what you told me.

This answer is  NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.

Tell your friends they too can get a personal answer to their parenting question from Dr. Heins and can subscribe to her free parenting newsletter by going to http://www.ParentKidsRight.com.

Parenting Question: "Playing Doctor"

I answered this letter yesterday.

I understand there is reason for concern if one of the children "playing doctor" is older--which is my main concern with my son's doctor experience. Two times I've learned of my son playing "doctor" with a girl 2 1/2 years older than he is. The first time (several months ago when he was 4 1/2 and she was going on 7), the girl initiated the play after her bro played it with her (he is almost two years older than she is). He told me about it. I told the girl's mother--and my husband and I had a talk with our son about not touching people's private parts, and how no one except his parents or doctor should be touching his. This past weekend, it happened again. But according to my son (now 5) it was his idea. The girl (now 7 1/2) played along. And this time he didn't tell me about it--my daughter did, even though they made her promise she wouldn't. Please tell me the best way to approach a second talk with my son about this.

Say it again. Calmly, sweetly so he realizes this is not a parental, "I told you the next time you did____ you would get it!"

Be sure to say he seems curious about bodies and the differences between boys and girls. "Do you have any questions you want to ask me?" Then tell him again it's not polite or proper to touch other people's private parts. Then head for the library or bookstore for a book (or another book) on human sexuality written for 4-year-olds.

There is an age difference but both kids are prepubertal. So it's not as bad as a 14-year-old boy with a 4-year-old.

Good luck! I know parents worry about how to handle these situations.

Marilyn Heins, MD
This answer is NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.

----

Do you have a parenting question? Go to www.ParentKidsRight.com , click on "info" and you reach me to get a FREE answer to your parenting questions. I am a pediatrician who devotes all her time to parenting education and looks forward to hearing from you.