Parenting Question: "Playing Doctor"

I answered this letter yesterday.

I understand there is reason for concern if one of the children "playing doctor" is older--which is my main concern with my son's doctor experience. Two times I've learned of my son playing "doctor" with a girl 2 1/2 years older than he is. The first time (several months ago when he was 4 1/2 and she was going on 7), the girl initiated the play after her bro played it with her (he is almost two years older than she is). He told me about it. I told the girl's mother--and my husband and I had a talk with our son about not touching people's private parts, and how no one except his parents or doctor should be touching his. This past weekend, it happened again. But according to my son (now 5) it was his idea. The girl (now 7 1/2) played along. And this time he didn't tell me about it--my daughter did, even though they made her promise she wouldn't. Please tell me the best way to approach a second talk with my son about this.

Say it again. Calmly, sweetly so he realizes this is not a parental, "I told you the next time you did____ you would get it!"

Be sure to say he seems curious about bodies and the differences between boys and girls. "Do you have any questions you want to ask me?" Then tell him again it's not polite or proper to touch other people's private parts. Then head for the library or bookstore for a book (or another book) on human sexuality written for 4-year-olds.

There is an age difference but both kids are prepubertal. So it's not as bad as a 14-year-old boy with a 4-year-old.

Good luck! I know parents worry about how to handle these situations.

Marilyn Heins, MD
This answer is NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.

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Do you have a parenting question? Go to www.ParentKidsRight.com , click on "info" and you reach me to get a FREE answer to your parenting questions. I am a pediatrician who devotes all her time to parenting education and looks forward to hearing from you.

QUESTION:
Help! I got into a terrible row with my son-in-law while staying at his home. I stepped in when I saw him discipline my grandson, age 4 1/2, with a wooden spoon. I interferred because I could not bear to witness it. My son-in-law absolutely went off on me. He yelled and told me not to interfere with his parenting authority. I was devastated. How can I convey to him how very wrong I believe spanking to be? How can I rebuild a relationship with this man?

ANSWER:
This is a very tough question to answer because it deals with two conflicting values, both important to me. One value is to protect a child from harm, even when the harm comes from a parent. The other value has to do with the role of a grandmother who, ideally, does all she can to support the parents of her grandchild. This means you don't interfere with their parenting.

You probably know from my website that I oppose ALL spanking because it is a lousy way to discipline. And it gives a message that it's OK for big people to hit little people. On the spectrum between a little swat on the behind when the child was about to run into the street and hitting the child over the head with a hammer this incident is somewhere in the middle. In the latter example you call 911 or Child Protective Services even if it is the father doing it. In the former you look the other way. Hitting hard with a wooden spoon would leave marks so this could be considered physical abuse but context is important. Did the father hit his son repeatedly on bare skin or once on the behind through clothes? Does the father fit the profile of an abusive parent? Is the father always angry? Does he drink? Did he just lose his job? I'm not making excuse for him I'm just telling you how important context is.

How would I have handled it as a grandmother? Unless I felt the father was out of control and his behavior might escalate I would walk out of the room to control myself. Later when the child was not there I would speak my mind: spanking doesn't work and refer him to my website.

What to do now? Ask for a "meeting" with your daughter and the father so everybody involved with the child is there. (The child should not be around.) Apologize. Say you were out of line and should not have interfered with his parenting. But quietly say you don't believe in spanking as it doesn't work very well and refer him to my website. If he doesn't agree with my viewpoint he can write to me. Then tell him how much you love him as he is the father of your beloved grandson and you hope both of you can put this incident behind you.

This answer is  NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.

Tell your friends they too can get a personal answer to their parenting question from Dr. Heins and can subscribe to her free parenting newsletter by going to http://www.ParentKidsRight.com.

SIBLING SQUABBLING DRIVES MOM WILD!

QUESTION FROM A MOM WHO IS UPSET:

I gave my 3 1/2 year old daughter a couple of swats today and have been feeling sick to my stomach since. I also have a 2 year old son. It seems that I have come to expect that everytime he gets hurt my daughter is somehow responsible. I have been reading "Siblings without Rivalry" and other books but none seem to address children who are so young and close in age. My 2-year-old's screams seem to be a trigger for me. Please help!

ANSWER:
I never met an honest parent who didn't admit to at least one swat across the butt! So relax. If it happens again hug her and say you are very, very sorry.

What you describe...being torn between the needs of and your responsibility for TWO children....was the most difficult part of parenting for me. I felt torn apart when one (mine were two years apart) hurt the other or both needed me at the same time.

Although your children are small, "Siblings Without Rivalry" (Faber and Mazlish) teaches us principles about siblings that are important. Especially that we should not assume who is wrong. The baby may have "started it" by pulling your daughter's hair and then she retaliated. So don't assume she is always at fault.

My advice: Separate them as much as possible. Spend time with each alone. Use a timer (the older one will understand this so tell her you have to put the baby down for a nap but then you will read to her for twenty whole minutes.) When you hear the baby scream comfort him, never mind why. If you see your daughter hurting the baby isolate her in her room EVERY time she does it. ("When we hurt people we cannot be with people.") You can also try a chart even though your daughter is young for this...every day your daughter plays nice without hurting the baby she gets a gold star and after a week she gets a small reward. Be sure the younger one is not messing up your daughter's games, if you see that is happening give your daughter a place to play that the baby cannot enter.

This answer is  NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.

Tell your friends they too can get a personal answer to their parenting question from Dr. Heins and can subscribe to her free parenting newsletter by going to http://www.ParentKidsRight.com.

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"My Daughter is Unhygienic!"

QUESTION:
I have a 8-year-old daughter. Overall she is very good: obedient and lovable. The problem I have with her is that she is very unhygienic. When she takes a bath she rarely picks up the soap and her face is still dirty when she gets out of the tub. She does not care about how she looks or smells or how her room looks. She knows she must clean her room but when I walk in it's still a mess...filthy old candy wrappers and popcorn under the bed. It is only a few years before she starts with her periods and will have to take care of herself. Should I still bathe her at this stage?

MY ANSWER:
At this age the best strategy is to SHOW her what must be done, not tell her. Make a game out of it at first but be sure she knows it's a rule. First help her learn how to use a wastebasket and teach her what goes there, help her find places for her toys, give her a hamper or bag for dirty clothes. Asking a child to clean a room which seems obvious and easy to us is like asking her to empty a lake with a spoon. It's overwhelming. But when you have shown her what to do state the rule: "Every Saturday you must clean your room." And have consequences (no TV, for example) if she does not do it properly. Consequences are the "stick: approach.

Use the same principle for personal hygiene. Get some bubble bath and nice soaps, gels, and spa mitts. Tell her these are for grown-up girls. Take a few baths and showers together as a game. Comment on how nice she smells and looks. Try a reward system which is the "carrot." Use a chart for taking a bath right. After a week of stars give her a small but valued reward. Don't give a star if she doesn't earn it by getting clean.

This answer is  NOT intended as a substitute for professional medical care. ALWAYS consult your physician or childcare expert if you have any questions concerning yourself or your family's well being.

Tell your friends they too can get a personal answer to their parenting question from Dr. Heins and can subscribe to her free parenting newsletter by going to http://www.ParentKidsRight.com.